


Six Minutes: The Trouble with Holo-Vision

by blazichu



Series: Six Minutes [5]
Category: Ratchet & Clank
Genre: Fluffy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-18
Updated: 2011-07-18
Packaged: 2017-10-21 12:38:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/225241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazichu/pseuds/blazichu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While the premier of the newest Secret Agent Clank holo-film goes downhill, our heroes lay low back at home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Minutes: The Trouble with Holo-Vision

This was the big day; the premier of the newest _Secret Agent Clank_ film. Fans of all sorts- male and female, robotic and organic, sane and fangirl- had formed cliques in front of holo-theatres all over the universe. It was notable that the titular hero wasn't present at any of them; in fact, he hadn't been seen publicly (in the _Agent_ persona, that was) for quite some time, but that didn't stop rabid fans from going berserk over the latest installment of the series.

There _were_ some beings in attendance merely to watch fans interact with one another, instead of gathering to actually see the film. Some of the fans in question had formed groups supporting one character over another- the most infamous was one promoting Maximillian over Agent Clank, the members of which were known to attack- verbally or, in extreme cases, physically- anyone who expressed a like of the pint-sized hero. There were other types of fans, of course; the ones who were the most fun to pester were the shippers- those who paired various characters up, romantically. Skrunch and the Baroness was the most notorious following, as "the Baroness's" actress had been less than amused; in fact, Courtney Gears had practically declared war against that part of the fan community. There were a myriad of other pairings out there, but, on this particular day, the action lay with one particular club of so-called "slashers".

The apparent leader- a Markazian with obnoxiously pink hair- stood above her peers, elevated by the combined efforts of a nondescript crate and dangerously high platform shoes, and surveyed the crowd. Thus far, things had progressed as they usually did; the Maximillian sympathizers had gotten one of their number dragged away after assaulting some poor, stupid fanboy, the "Skrunchess" shippers had already been screamed at by 'Ms. Gears', and the Agent Clank/Madame de Milo fans had been successfully fended off. It was a bit more active than it had been last year, true, but it was to be expected- every new film would garner new fans, after all, and there was no way that the older watchers would back down when their favorite series was getting a new installment.

She tapped at her jaw thoughtfully, running down a mental list:

\- Whack-bags lashing out at innocent bystanders, check

\- Interspecies romance lovers being brought down a peg, check

\- "That group of homophobes" threatened with bodily injury, _definite_ check

\- Idiots-who-wouldn't-know-good-taste-if-it-bit-them-in-the-collective-ass chased with torches and pitchforks... not check.

Scanning the crowd for clues as to where the group might lay in wait, her gaze slid by the numerous banners and signs that her fellow fangirls had crafted before flitting over a "WE LOVE YOU BIG AL" poster that some random woman was holding, and beyond. Distantly, she noted that some of them had gotten very creative, this year- and that she needed to tell _some_ to lay off the puns.

Ah, there they were- her people's greatest enemy.

In hindsight, it wasn't too hard to figure out where their rival fangroup had set up shop- whereas her 'sisters' tended to favor greys and golds in their banners, their nemesis used green and gold and, while they had hard _evidence_ to back their claim, the others used baseless conjecture and outright insanity.

Agent Clank/Jeeves was so _totally_ the way to go. Those nutty Jeeves/Skrunch shippers were just... _wrong_. Just. Wrong. Even Jeeves' _actor_ was creeped out by the concept, and the official word on the pairing was "...the hell...?"

It boggled the mind how so _many_ could support such an inane idea- Skrunch was Jeeves' _replacement_. They never even appeared in the same continuity! They didn't even speak the same language! Skrunch was... a cyclo-monkey! It was just weird! She pointedly ignored the fact that she'd just paraphrased Courtney Gears' arguments against "Skrunchess", not wanting to even _consider_ herself on that same level, and turned back to 'her people', preparing to rally the troops. She failed to notice one _little_ detail until her would-be tirade began, though.

"Fellow fangirls, shippers, slashers, today we celebrate the glory of- _oh my god_..."

=-=-=

All things considered, it was a relatively peaceful night on Kyzil Plateau.

"Peaceful" being a relative term, of course.

From where he was leaning up against the clunky old ship that had taken over his garage, Ratchet casually flipped the omniwrench end over end, exasperated by the current project. "Remind me again," He began loudly, so he'd be heard across the modest domicile, " _Why_ we're putting up with this dinosaur?"

"I believe that it had something to do with blackmail." Came the succinct answer, "Did Al not have photographic evidence of-"

"Yes. I _know._ "

"You were the one who asked." Clank shot back, as he meandered back into view, "And it was also _your_ decision to repair Al's delivery ship, as opposed to allowing him access to the RYNO."

The lombax winced at the reminder, "Pal... I can't be the _only_ one who wants to keep that kind of artillery out of Al's hands. Can you _imagine_ what might happen? We're supposed to protect the universe from that kind of threat, not make it possible!"

"I... suppose that is true."

"Of course it's true. When have I ever..." Ratchet trailed off, considering what he'd been about to say, "Oh, forget it. It's stupid to say and you would just answer- even though it's obviously a rhetorical question- then I'd get mad and we'd start arguing again."

"I prefer the term 'bantering'." Clank replied brightly, proving, beyond a shadow of doubt, that the lombax had been a bad influence on him, "I do not see the point in complaining, though. You are nearly finished with the repairs."

The mechanic shrugged, resting the omniwrench on his shoulder, "Yeah, but this thing's way more trouble than it's worth, and I just _know_ we're gonna be roped into fixing it again when this patch job fails. Al needs to buckle down and buy a replacement, if you ask me... And before you say it, I know you didn't ask."

"I was not going to mention that." The robot said, hopping up onto the hood of the cruiser so they were roughly on the same level, "You are usually correct when it comes to the upkeep of such ships, so long as you are not allowed to pilot them. I am certain that Aphelion appreciates your skill, as well."

Ratchet rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, so it was probably a good sign. He tossed the omniwrench onto one of the old, wrecked chairs that still decorated the garage-space and pushed away from the ship, offering his hand, "C'mon pal, the rest of the work is cosmetic and I could use a break- let's head back inside."

"Go on ahead. I would like to take a look at the control panel, if you do not mind."

There was a telltale beep from the actual house at that point, indicating that somebody was trying to get through to the communications unit. Ratchet shrugged again, turning toward the sound, "Knock yourself out- but there's no water damage this time, and I managed to keep from electrocuting myself, so it's not really that interesting."

As Clank hopped down from his perch and into the cruiser's open cockpit, the other sprinted away in an attempt to catch the caller before he or she gave up... and, even though Ratchet had shouted earlier, he was still perfectly audible- even from across the house- just by using a so-called 'indoor voice'.

"I'm working on it, Al- what do want?" Speak of the Solanian canidevil... "Somehow, I doubt that... ...No, of course not! _Why_ would we go to the premier? The last time we tried dealing with the _Agent Clank_ fans, things got-- well, you know."

A silence.

" _Yes_ the chimp-o-matic!

"Mmm hmm. Yeah, I know-- I was _there._ In case you forgot, it was me who, uh, _accidentally_ dropped those groovitrons when that failed… ...as much as I _love_ talking about this, I can't help wondering whether there was, y'know, a _reason_ you called.

"...Okay, okay, I'll turn on the HV." There was a shuffling and then a dull roar as holo-vision set was powered up. "Hey, pal, Al wants you to see whatever's going on, here!"

He hadn't finished double checking the electronics in the cruiser, just yet, but, knowing Al, this probably couldn't wait... so, somewhat grudgingly, Clank abandoned his post in order to investigate.

...But, when he saw what was on the screen, he rethought that decision. It had been a relatively pleasant day, thus far, and he really didn't want to spoil it with his insane fanbase.

"Ratchet..." The 'bot started reproachfully, only to be interrupted when the lombax held up his hands, trying to prove his innocence.

"Whoa, don't look at me- Al's the one who brought it up!"

"And since when, exactly, do you follow Al's orders?"

The mechanic grumbled something mostly-unintelligible, but the word 'photo' was definitely involved.

 _"Guys?"_ And to think, they'd almost forgotten that the instigator was actually _right there_ \- or, well, a communications link to him was. _"Can we_ focus _?"_

In a marvelous harmony, both of the heroes huffed in annoyance and turned back to the screen; Ratchet flopped back onto the second of the old armchairs in an undignified heap and, after a moment's consideration, reached over and caught Clank around the wrist, tugging him closer before simply grabbing the robot and hoisting him up. Clank was less than thrilled with the choice- he _could_ have asked- but didn't complain.

For whatever reason, Al had _been_ watching- and, by extension, had just instructed _them_ to watch- one of those silly entertainment channels- the kind that didn't _play_ movies, but put out programs _about_ holo-vision or actors. This particular block, predictably enough, was focusing on the premier of _The Man with the Mega Multi-star._

It was actually kind of embarrassing, seeing so many sapient- and (probably) intelligent- beings reduced to such...idiocy. Sometimes these premiers actually led to physical violence and, while he couldn't say that he was absolutely against such means to an end, it wasn't right to see people coming to blows over a _movie_. As individuals the fans were generally very pleasant- if not somewhat eccentric- and, way back when the series had started, it had actually been rather nice to talk to them; it hadn't been like that in years, though, which was why, after a particularly nasty publicity event last year, Clank had resolved to avoid such gatherings.

That wasn't to say that he hadn't had any ulterior motives, though. Some of the ideas they were getting were just...weird- and that was coming from someone who dealt with Captain- _ahem, Galactic President_ Qwark on a semi-regular basis. After all of the trouble that she'd caused, the robot was reluctant to sympathize with Courtney Gears, but there was something inherently wrong about seeing Skrunch paired off with _anybody_... and Ratchet still hadn't completely recovered from that little trend in shipping. Clank suspected that it had something to do with that anecdote about Qwark, Skrunch's sister and 'mating season', and immediately dismissed the thought. He'd dodged a bullet in not hearing it first hand- Ratchet's horrified retelling had been amusing, not downright scarring- and he really didn't want to let his imagination fill in the gaps.

The camera panned over the throng, trying to focus on some outburst in the crowd and, eventually, settled on- of all people- Qwark himself. It shouldn't have surprised anybody at this point, but managed to, anyway.

 _"Just wait for it..."_ Al cut in, breaking the relative silence. Ratchet glared at the comm. unit's screen, but refrained from starting anything.

The cameraman approached the scene just in time to catch the end of a stunned _"Oh my god..."_

 _"President... Qwark...? What are you doing here?"_

 _"Supporting a noble cause!"_ The so-called hero promptly answered, _"How can I back the entire galaxy if I can't even back my fellow fans?"_

Clank sighed; he knew for a fact that Qwark wasn't a fan of the holo-vision series, but, for the life of him, couldn't figure out what the president was trying to accomplish in attending an event like this. Yes, it _might_ make him seem, well, _normal_ , but that was hardly something that the humanoid would concern himself with- he spent most of his time trying to look extraordinary, and it would go against everything that he'd worked towards to pull this stunt _now_. The little mech glanced at Ratchet, who had his chin propped up on one arm, looking unimpressed.

 _"I simply_ can't _go on, allowing poor, innocent civilians to be lured away from the truth!"_

 _"...'truth'...?"_ Somebody asked, sounding (justifiably) wary.

 _"Of course! It would be cruel to allow people to believe in those horrible lies! I, Galactic President Qwark, stand before you today to spread the word- 'Agent Clank' and 'Jeeves' are completely dedicated to one another, and we_ must _stop those other, terrible rumors!"_

Ratchet and Clank exchanged dry glances, and the former found himself unable to keep from commenting, "Well, either he's actually trying to be nice- _kind of_ \- or he's trying to embarrass us."

There was a beat of silence, and then they both spoke at once.

"He's trying to embarrass us."

"He is attempting to embarrass us."

 _"Shush!"_ Al hissed from the communications link, watching intently as the camera shifted to get a better angle, _"There- in the top-left corner! Isn't it insane?"_

"Uh...yeah?" The lombax responded, before even following the direction.

 _"I have_ fans _!"_

Ratchet winced and flattened his ears against his skull, trying futilely to defend himself against the squeal's sheer volume. While the mechanic was still reeling from the auditory assault, Clank took a look at the corner in question and caught a brief glimpse of a poster with "WE LOVE YOU BIG AL" emblazoned on it. He closed his eyes, trying to come up with something to say.

"That... is very fortunate, Al. Congratulations."

Acting on the opposite extreme, Ratchet hopped up from the seat, abruptly closed the link, and made a determined path towards the garage, "You've gotta be kidding me…"

Unsure whether he really wanted to know or not, Clank stood up, still perched on the chair, but ready to follow the other if need be. "Ratchet… where are you going?"

The lombax paused, "To see if we've still got that electro-magnet. I need to make one more adjustment to Al's ship before I return it, tomorrow… don't wait up."

" _Ratchet!_ "

He turned back around, his somewhat maniacal smirk gradually softening.

"What?" The lombax asked, selling an air of innocence that the Clank wasn't buying. Still smiling, he meandered back over and tilted his head to the side, like a confused kit. "You didn't want to help make the delivery, and I'll make sure Aphelion picks me up by the time Al's internal failsafe kicks in."

"You are simply _asking_ for trouble."

"I know." Ratchet replied airily, leaning forward. "Thanks for caring, though." He added- almost as an afterthought- pressing the side of his face to Clank's affectionately.

Whether this was intentional-as a diversion- the universe will never know, but it certainly served as such, and the mechanic seized the opportunity to make a clean getaway.

It was a moment before much of anything occurred to the giggling 'bot, but when he finally _did_ snap back to reality…

"Ratchet, so help me, if I find that you have modified that cruiser to-"

" _Relax_ , pal," The other called from the garage, "I just realized that I'd have all of Metropolis on my case if I used the magnet… Where did you leave the chimp-o-matic after that book signing, again?"

Clank shook his head, but was fairly certain that he could win this one. Plan A was a bust, and, if he had any say in it, plan B wouldn't get anywhere either. Since plan C was usually "blow something up"-combined with the fact that such a course of action would _not_ be tolerated- Al's delivery ship was probably safe. Probably.

Briefly, Clank wondered why he put up with all of this, but the answer came to him as quickly as ever: he simply would not be able to live _without_ that trigger happy lombax of his.

Hey, even Qwark had to be right some of the time.


End file.
